Yesterday I was thinking….because of Crohns have I been a good wife and mother? Have my kids and my husband wanted/suffered because I could not give enough, do enough, be enough for them? Day to day it is a struggle just to get out of bed and function, but I do. I force myself to push through the pain, get up suffer go on like there is nothing wrong. I go on with my day trying to hide what is going on with me. I pass people in the halls at work, they ask me how I am I smile and say GREAT! How are you? I really am heading for the bathroom hoping I am not going to pass out from blood loss and have someone find me in there and call 911. My kids ask me when dinner will be ready, so I rush around to get there needs met, but I feel hot and sweaty and feel like I am going to be sick. I put a smile on my face. I crawl in bed, in severe pain, hoping I will not have to go to the ER tonight, my husband caresses my face and gives me the look of love. I want so much to be loving with him and be his dream girl…instead I am this sick girl who is dying slowly….know one sees this because I hide it I have been hiding for 20 years. I hate pitty! I am strong. Am I? I am kidding myself?
This disease takes it’s toll mentally too, sometimes we forget that it not only eats our bodies, but our soul and spirit too. As a kid I just wanted to be normal, any hope of that was gone when I was diagnosed. One day I hope to wake up and this will all be a bad memory that will have made me stronger.