Have I?

Yesterday I was thinking….because of Crohns have I been a good wife and mother? Have my kids and my husband wanted/suffered because I could not give enough, do enough, be enough for them? Day to day it is a struggle just to get out of bed and function, but I do. I force myself to push through the pain, get up suffer go on like there is nothing wrong. I go on with my day trying to hide what is going on with me. I pass people in the halls at work, they ask me how I am I smile and say GREAT! How are you? I really am heading for the bathroom hoping I am not going to pass out from blood loss and have someone find me in there and call 911. My kids ask me when dinner will be ready, so I rush around to get there needs met, but I feel hot and sweaty and feel like I am going to be sick. I put a smile on my face. I crawl in bed, in severe pain, hoping I will not have to go to the ER tonight, my husband caresses my face and gives me the look of love. I want so much to be loving with him and be his dream girl…instead I am this sick girl who is dying slowly….know one sees this because I hide it I have been hiding for 20 years. I hate pitty! I am strong. Am I? I am kidding myself?

 

This disease takes it’s toll mentally too, sometimes we forget that it not only eats our bodies, but our soul and spirit too.  As a kid I just wanted to be normal, any hope of that was gone when I was diagnosed. One day I hope to wake up and this will all be a bad memory that will have made me stronger.

Categories: Thoughts | 8 Comments

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8 thoughts on “Have I?

  1. The fact that you “are” a wife and mother (let alone holding down a job) is a testament to just how good you are. Like most Crohnies, you will probably have a habit of over-analysing the stuffing out of things. I do it myself 🙂 I occasionally create problems where none exist and then over-analyse them too! I also tend to overlook any of the good stuff because my brain seems to like the drama that’s attached to the bad stuff. I am my own worst enemy. Anyway, enough about me. All I can really do for you is offer a HUGE virtual hug and assure you of the undeniable fact that you are so much better than you give yourself credit for 🙂

    • Thanks for the support it means a lot to me! I got my first iron infusion today, had a slight reaction to it….

      I try to be strong but you know how hard that can be especially when you have to be strong all the time! I try to not focus on the negative but that is hard too. It is a lot of drama you are so right!

  2. Jim Mc

    That is such a scary feeling! I used to pass out in the bathroom and wake up hoping no one had come in and stepped around me to do their thing. lol
    My phone is acting screwy and won’t let me scroll up to read your post again to make specific points of encouragement.
    I have Crohns really bad as well, and understand the fears of inadequacy and “am I doing enough?” through experiences that range from “can they see the pain through this smile?” To “I can’t believe my wife kept a straight face through telling the nurse that we just saw my intestines rupture through an open incision!”
    Hang in there. It’s tough, and there IS hope. 🙂 keep expressing your frustration, even if it is in a hidden notebook. Burying them or hiding them makes it worse. 😦 it took me 20+ years to figure that one out. 😦

    • Thanks for your kind words. This disease truly eats at your brain! I want so bad to beat it! I was touched by your story and the fact you have faced this beast for so long. I am glad you have a good supportive family. I went undiagnosed for 23 years until last year when things went real bad and surgery had to happen. Thanks for reading 🙂

  3. Bob

    You can’t look at it that way. I’m sure you are a good wife and a good mother. Everyone has ailments. Family is there to look out for each other. Crohn’s disrupts life and family, but in reality, I’m sure you spend more time than you realize with your family. It is unfortunate that chronic pain is a part of this and we spend so much time around toilets. We all perceive this to be pulling us from our families, but we give too. Ask your husband what he thinks? I’ve had Crohn’s since before 1974. Kerrie and I have been married for almost 28 years. We have two children in their 20s. And, while I have had nine (soon to be 10 surgeries) and multiple flares, I would suggest that these have made us a stronger family.

    I sincerely hope this helps. Crohn’s is terrible and we all deal with it differently. Don’t let it make you feel as if you are not giving enough to your family.

    • Its really hard as you know. Its like looking inside the window from the out. Thanks for being so strong for the rest of us! I am sorry to hear you have struggled for such a long time with this. Its like it never ends and i do feel like it has taken parts of my life away and in turn my family’s too. I also want to know i will be well enough to be around for them too!

  4. I do the same thing! I question, question, question. Our kids don’t want perfect moms. They want us to roll on the floor and laugh with them. Who cares if dinner is late? That’s what I tell myself when I’m laying on the couch, sweaty, wondering how I’m going to “do it all”. No one can “do it all” let alone a mom with IBD. (And personally, I would love to see the look on a co-worker’s face if you answered, “Oh, I’m going to the bathroom and afraid I’ll pass out from blood loss, how about you?” 😉

    • I think sometimes we get so caught up in what we have missed and focus on the bad, especially when times get tough it is hard to see the good through all the “shit”! I love my kids and want to know that have spent enough time with them and done enough for them. You only get one chance at that. There are so many days I feel so crappy they start to add up.

      I worked for a boss who was a real troll. I opened up to my coworkers about my condition thinking I was doing the right thing and it backfired! She would mock me and tell me to finally get over the tummy ache etc. It got so much worse. This was women that was 100+ pounds over weight and I saw her eat the worst stuff and wonder why she did not feel good. It was sad to see she had health issues of her own, only her’s were self inflicted and she could not see she needed help. I am since now transferred to another department and I really do not tell them anything about my condition because I don’t want to repeat that kind of cruel attitude.

      Thanks for reading my blog, it means a lot to me!

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